Conflict Resolution: Are You “Working On Something?”
Last week we discussed how to communicate through differences but what happens when the "difference" turns into a WWE knock-down, drag-out verbal "free for all"?
It happens. We intend on having a calm, peaceful exchange where we state our point of view and take the time to patiently listen to the conflicting point of view without taking it personally, but somehow it becomes personal real fast! Even with the best intentions, we can become triggered. Here are a few tips to support you in maintaining a level head when a conversation takes a turn for the worst or "goes left."
1. Focus on behaviors and not what you think they mean.
The worst time to interpret what we think a person's actions mean is when we're angry. Anger has a way of clouding our judgment and making us feel that someone has bad intentions even when they don't. It is best to focus on the offending actions in our communication, not on what we think those actions mean. I wish I had a dime for every time I've heard someone say, "They're doing this or saying that, just to tick me off." " They must want me to go off?" Sounds familiar, right? But what if that isn't true? What if the offending party has little to no idea that their actions would set you off?
It is always better to focus our communication on the actions or behaviors we dislike, not the meaning we subscribe to those actions. For example, if Janice is supposed to pick you up at 7 am to get to work on time, but she's notoriously late, it is best to talk to Janice about her being late, not telling her that she must want you to lose your job. Our angry interpretations are usually heard as accusations and therefore are unhelpful and hurtful.
2. Be willing to recognize and acknowledge the part you play.
In the early part of my career, I worked in in-patient and out-patient addictions facilities. I loved the work and the clients, and the love I feel towards my work as a therapist grew from these early experiences working in therapeutic communities. Commonly used phrases in these environments were "You're working on something!" or "You ain't working on nothing!"
Now, "You're working on something." was used towards staff and clients who demonstrated growth mindsets and were using their therapeutic tools, like masterful communication. The phrase, "You ain't working on nothing!" was used towards staff and clients when there was not a therapeutic tool, insight, skill (like ownership), or growth mindset to be seen.
This second point requires you to be "working on something"...ownership. Ownership is present when we take responsibility for our actions. We demonstrate ownership and accountability for our wrongdoings when we hold ourselves responsible for our choices and decisions that could have hurt someone else. Be willing to show that "you're working on something" by recognizing and acknowledging the part you play in the issue and not solely focusing on how the other person contributes to the problem at hand. It takes two people contributing to the situation to form a conflict. Be willing to admit your role in the disagreement and humble yourself enough to be a part of the solution. I know it's not easy, but it's worth it!
3. Communicate what you want rather than what you don't want.
We can get so hung up on the problem that we completely lose sight of the solution. Focusing on what we don't want often keeps us stuck. The truth is that what we focus on grows. Sometimes we become hypnotized by the problem or conflict. We think about it, and we fret over it, we complain to our friends about it, we dream about it, that's a lot of energy dedicated to what you don't want. When you solely focus on what you don't want to see happen, you perpetuate and highen the conflict. It's important to mention it in the conversation but be willing to move beyond it.
Communicating through a conflict is the perfect time to be solution-focused, not problem-focused. Focusing on the positive intention and the forward movement supports us in ending the war and resolving the problem, especially when both parties agree to stop fighting.
Sending you lots of love and light as you learn to master your conflicts.
Danielle ♥️
