You Got To Love Me Or Leave Me Alone
For a good part of my life, I would get caught up in people-pleasing. I would be so concerned about not being liked that I would try hard to be nice. I would even get caught up in doing things I didn’t want to do or going places I didn't want to do go because I was so concerned about how someone may perceive my “No”. I was really afraid of not being liked. This fear allowed me to engage in completely unfulfilling relationships. This fear allowed me to not have boundaries. This fear ran my life for a long time. I'm so grateful for the day that I woke up and decided that I deserved better. This has been a crucial part of me learning how to develop and embrace my relationship with myself.
The inspiration for our conversation this week comes from a song from Brand Nubian called You Gotta Love Me or Leave Me Alone. If you've been around for a while, like me, I'm sure you're familiar with the song but if you're not the hook goes like, “this you gotta love me or leave me alone you gotta love me or leave me alone.” it's a simple message right? When I understood how to make this work for me, I was able to let go of people-pleasing. Here are a few points I would like to share with you about the concept for today.
You will not be for everybody, do you anyway.
Listen, the truth is that not everybody is going to like you. It could be as simple as the fact that you remind them of someone that they've had issues with before. It may be the way that you walk down the street. It could be as simple as the tone of your voice is an issue for someone. It could be that they fundamentally disagree with your point of view. The reality is we're not going to get along with everyone and not everyone is going to get along with us. It is not our job to make everyone comfortable. I encourage you to value who you are and what you believe and to keep doing you even if people don't agree or don't like the way you choose to show up. If you know that you value yourself and that you have good intentions that's enough. You may not be for everybody, but what’s most important is that we like who we are. Be willing to do you, no matter what. Knowing this made life a lot easier for me.
2. Stop trying to prove yourself to people.
It is so easy to get caught up in the trap of trying to prove our worth and our value to others. This becomes especially tricky when we don't value ourselves. I have worked with so many people over the years who have tried so hard to prove themselves to family members, loved ones, business partners, and at the end of the process, they find themselves feeling frustrated. Sometimes people may choose to have a low opinion about us and it doesn't matter what we do they are convinced of who we are. This speaks volumes about who the individual is more than, in truth, who we are. In these circumstances, it's more important for us to be convinced of who we are so we don't feel the need to change other people's minds or perceptions. This is just an indication that this may not be a person you want to spend a lot of time around. The truth is when we're clear about who we are and what we know and what we deserve we don't try so hard to prove our worth to others.
3. If who you are isn't enough for them, let go.
I like to remind you as often as I can that you are valuable and that you matter so here goes. A large part of learning how to free ourselves from people-pleasing or trying to prove ourselves to others is being able to walk away from relationships that are damaging to our spirits. Be willing to walk away from relationships that don't work. Any relationship that makes you feel that you have to work hard to prove yourself to someone is a relationship that isn't working. Any relationship that feels draining and unfulfilling is not working for you so be willing to let go. You deserve love because you are valuable and worthy of respect. Know this, believe this, and breathe in this truth! Your tribe is out there, your sacred love is out there but it will be impossible to find if you insist on devaluing yourself by holding on to or trying to sustain and breathe life into relationships that don't work.
You can do this! Let “love me or leave me alone” be your new bold declaration. It starts with making a solid commitment within yourself to cultivating a loving relationship within yourself first and only engage in relationships that are fulfilling. It is enhanced by being willing to stand in your truth even if it means you won’t be liked. Believe in your value, affirm the loving relationship you are building within and make choices that align with self-love. In the meantime, I stand with you and trust that life will unfold in the perfect way for you to feel loved and accepted in all of your relationships.
Be blessed,
Danielle
