Being A Good Student Of Past Relationships
The saying, "Experience is a good teacher." is absolutely 100% true. When we permit ourselves to be a good student of our love relationships, we have the opportunity to gain wisdom from all of our relationship experiences, the good and the bad. Being a good student means being willing to look back at our relationship experiences to gain lessons learned and powerful ways of moving forward having learned those lessons.
I have learned this to be true from my own love experiences. Taking the time to look back at some of the experiences I've had has supported me in knowing and valuing myself, trusting my intuition, and clarifying what I truly desire to experience in my relationships. Here are three things I have learned from this exploratory process that continue to guide me in all of my relationships.
1.Realize that none of your relationships have been a mistake.
It is easy to avoid our thoughts and feelings about a relationship that hasn't worked out well. We usually want to get as far away from the uncomfortable and painful feelings as possible, especially when we view the experience as a mistake. We distract ourselves with tv, new relationships, YouTube, alcohol, food, etc. Modern society makes it especially easy to avoid our feelings.
In truth, there are no mistakes. There are only opportunities to learn and become more aligned with our hearts' desires. Each misstep provides a new opportunity to understand our triggers, the importance of setting appropriate boundaries, and a chance to communicate our needs effectively.
2. Take responsibility for your actions.
Taking responsibility for our actions is an essential aspect of being a good student of our past. I know I have learned that in a bad relationship, I can act up. When in past bad relationships, I was insecure, frustrated, guarded, and suspicious. Those feelings had me act out in angry ways. I'd pick fights and shut down. I'd feel like a victim and point out their flaws because I felt hurt and powerless. Looking back, I barely recognize myself, and in truth, I couldn't see myself and my actions as dysfunctional.
I've learned that I'm not in the right relationship when those feelings consistently come up. Instead of focusing on the other person's actions and honestly assessing my behaviors, I could see that I was not behaving in a way I'd want someone to treat me in a relationship. I didn't realize I was acting out, so I couldn't make the necessary shifts. By being able to see and own my bad behavior, I learned more about myself and my needs. Only then was I able to change my actions and become more intentional in my relationships and the types of people I chose to date.
3. You can't change anyone but yourself.
Whew, chile! This one was a tough one for me to learn. I had to learn the hard way that I couldn't change others. I tried and failed a lot! LOL! I would see the potential in my partners. I would approach relationships like "fixer up projects" not true and equal partnerships. I thought that if I loved them enough and helped them fix their flaws, they could love me the way I wanted. Wrong!
Someone is either a fit for you as they are or not. It does our partners or us little good to constantly feel like they have to change for us to be happy. Relationships shouldn't be a constant uphill struggle. There is a great partner suited for each individual. If you wish that your partner could change "that one little thing" to be an excellent fit for you, you're in trouble.
Allowing yourself to learn from the past will create new, bold and empowered relationships in the future. A failure to do so will create the opportunity to experience the same experiences in our relationships repeatedly until we get the lesson and make new choices. As you learn from your relationships, I stand with you as you use those lessons to create powered and joy-filled relationships.
Love and blessings,
Danielle
